Friday, May 25, 2012

Interpreting Dreams .. and Painting My Way Through It All

Last night, I kept dreaming ... I was busy in the dream ... and every time I went to show my identification - I discovered I'd lost it. Not only had I lost my identification...but my credit cards, ATM cards ... EVERYTHING!! In the dream, I grew more and more exasperated - because I NEEDED those things... and EVERY TIME I came to a point where I needed them - I'd reach for them...and they were gone ... and I'd have to replace them again. Over and over.
So eventually, after waking up thoroughly annoyed due to this dream .. I started thinking about it. Before dropping my son off, it hit me what the dream meant - at least to me. Deep down - I feel as if I have either lost my identity .. or that I am in the process of losing it ... losing ME. I told my 14 yr old about it...and he just looked at me, a little startled, and said "That's deep Mom".
The more I thought about the dream, the more I knew deep down that this is how I'm feeling. The past 3 months, I've just been thinking about so many changes going on in my life. My son transitioning from Jr High to High School in the fall ... I broke up with someone I had been seeing for over a year ... it was not a "messy" break up in the traditional sense, but nonetheless, the conclusion of this relationship left me more determined than ever to never have another long distance relationship; never to date ANYONE EVER AGAIN from my past .... and to CONTINUE with my post-divorce life which involves becoming totally selfish - which is so not me. My sister feels my interpretation of my dream is correct. She feels that all my life - since I was 9 years old - I've taken care of everyone. My little sister, my older brother ... my husband ... my son ... and throughout all of that - I can say I have never been the one to BE taken care of. So now, the planner that I am, I am already preparing for Life After My Son Graduates From High School...and I'm wondering is THIS making me question who I am? Is it the finality of a divorce? Is it the break up of a relationship which I thought would be "it" ... LOL
Sigh ... I can honestly say that I am not sad. I just feel so restless ... like I'm just waiting and waiting for "What's Next". And through it all ... the only constant ... is I'm painting my way through it ...what ever "IT" is.

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